A few weeks ago I was working with a client who had slipped back into some of her bad habits.  Since she is brilliant and hard-working she noticed her actions right away but was confused, frustrated, and upset about why she had fallen back into the habits we had worked so hard to break.  As we spoke, we determined it was the switch from summer vacation to the school year.  This transition changed the routine and dynamics of the family.  Our discussion reminded me how when we are faced with new challenges, we tend to go back to where we feel safe.  Many times this safe place is in the habits and attitudes that protected us in our younger years – even if they do not serve us now.  But my client is not the only one subject to this fear-based return to bad habits.  Recently I noticed that some of my bad habits were also resurfacing.

I was anxious about time; being on time and having enough time.  I found myself trying to control things beyond my control.  I was just on edge.  Then I noticed that I hadn’t been eating as well as I had been and I had fallen off my routine of yoga and exercise.  At first I thought that falling out of my diet and exercise routine led to my bad habits resurfacing.  Yet every time I tried to get back into my routine, I had difficulty.  Through my foggy mind, I could not see the reason why I felt like I did nor find the way out of this malaise.

As I was discussing my dilemma with my husband he posed the question, “Could it be that your father’s cancer is back?”  His statement rang with clarity.  I had known that his diagnosis was a disappointment, but I did not think it had affected me that much.  We knew last year that this could be a possibility and I am very confident that this time the treatment will be successful.  But my husband was right.  The news broke me out of my routine and status quo.  It hit me on an unconscious emotional level.

The unconscious, primitive reaction I had to the news was fear.  This fear sent me back to my safe place; back to those habits that I had in my youth.  Habits that served a purpose when I was younger, but which are now deterimental to my happiness.  It was amazing how these habits jumped back into my life and burst out as knee-jerk reactions.  I would catch myself doing or saying something out of character amazed at my own unconscious actions.

These old habits surfaced due to the fear I felt; a fear that worked on an unconscious level.  What I did not realize was that even though my rational mind was capable of seeing the situation and moving on, my emotional mind needed time to grieve, to release, to mourn.  No matter how rationally we may see an event; our emotions can have stronger, unconscious reactions.  In not taking the time needed to release my emotions, the pent up emotions started to take a toll on my life.  There are no short cuts.  It is necessary to release the emotions.  If the time is not taken consciously, our bodies will take the time for us.

Even though the impact of my father’s news may be apparent in hindsight, at the time I had no visibility to it.  This incident reminded me how important it is to have an outside perspective; an objective eye that can see through the emotional fog.  I needed my insightful husband to see what I couldn’t see.

Next time you notice some bad habits rising up, go to a trusted friend and discuss recent changes or issues.  See if you can identify the cause of your fear or the shift in the stability of your life.  Just recognizing that you have hit a bump on your life’s road can help you regain your focus.

Second, take the time you need to work through any of the emotions that have surfaced.  Give yourself some space, plenty of sleep, and relaxation.  Cry, scream, or hit some pillows.  Release the emotions so they do not get caught in your body.

Finally, be patient.  You know the good habits you want to have, but it will take some time to overcome the shock and the fear so you are free to once again regain your good habits.  Take all the time you need.  You will get back there.  I promise.  I did.

Recently my husband and I attended a wedding.  We were prepared for anything.  First, this event was in Los Angeles and was sure to be filled with a mix of entertainers and political activists.  Second, it was a vegan event, which took a little mental preparation for my carnivorous husband.  Thirdly and most importantly, it was Denise’s wedding.  Denise’s first wedding was a potluck on the top of a mountain with the Looney Tunes theme played for her husband’s entrance.  We could not imagine what this wedding would provide.  Little did I know that it was to be a lesson in the power of true acceptance, love, and forgiveness.

Arriving at the church, I could already feel something was different.  This time it was real.  This time it was love.  This time there was so much joy exuding from every guest and from every corner of the building.  Not only was this joy for the union of Denise and Mike, but it was due to those gathering recognizing what makes Denise special and our joy that she has fond someone who is just as special.

Knowing Denise for years, I was used to her never ending entourage of eclectic friends.  No matter the lifestyle choices, interests, quirks, physical maladies, or psychological hindrances Denise embraces them all without judgement and with full love and acceptance.  But I had no idea how deep her love was nor how much others recognized and appreciated her gift.

Denise has the ability to see the little nugget of good that is in us all.  No matter what our exterior warts are, she can see through it.  She focuses not on our flaws, but on that piece of inner beauty we all possess.  Imagine if you could go through the day and not judge anyone.  What if you had the ability to see each individual as their pure essence?  What if you could love them for their good without diminishing that good because of physical, psychological, or philosophical differences?  This is pure acceptance.  And it is powerful.

But in Denise’s case, it has also brought some harm in her life.  In only seeing one’s good, she often did not recognize when people may have a dark side that would hurt her.  And they did hurt her again and again.  But this did not lessen her desire and ability to see the good.  In fact, she was usually so blinded by the good she saw, that any bad that occurred was jarring to her.

Thankfully, Denise’s other ability is that of forgiveness.  Pure, unresentful forgiveness.  Just like her acceptance, her forgiveness is absolute.  And it is not just the small stuff like forgiving some driver for cutting one off.  Try the hard ones like forgiving your first husband for infidelity.  Denise was able to do it.  And not just with lip service.  She forgave him and was at peace with him to the point that he attended her second wedding.  Not only did he attend, but his brother helped with the reception.  Not only did her ex-husband attend the wedding, but an ex-boyfriend spoke during the ceremony and almost every boyfriend she ever had attended.  It was fun to watch the other guests politely (and sometimes not so politely) maneuver around the social potholes this produced.  But not Denise, she glided around the room filled with untainted joy.

And I think that is the gift that Denise gave to everyone who attended her wedding.  The unencumbered joy one can feel when there is no judgment but only acceptance and where there is no hostility but only forgiveness.  I have never been in a room filled with more love.  The love that Denise gave to everyone was returned ten-fold.

Not long after the wedding, I was talking to a client who was in much pain because of soemthing a family member did.  This client was physically and emotionally distraught from the thoughtlessness of this family member.  We worked together to help the client see the family member as they are instead of how it was longed they should be.  We worked to see the kernel of good and to focus on that, not the disappointment.  This brought the client to a place of acceptance.  Then we worked on forgiveness.  Forgiveness is based on understanding where a person is in their life and of what they are capable.  The relief this client felt when they could finally accept and forgive was powerful and cleansing.

What acts of acceptance and forgiveness have you experienced?  Who do you need to accept?  Who do you need to forgive?

This is my wedding gift to you, Denise, pure love in the form of acceptance and forgiveness returned back to you always.